A New Way of Thinking: Finding Self-Esteem and Self-worth in a Post-Modern World (Pt. 3)

Learning to Think Differently
So how can we change our thinking to encourage a healthy self-esteem? In answering this question, many self-help enthusiasts would advocate self-affirmation as the cure to low self-esteem. The problem is self-affirmation holds closely to the ‘power of positive thinking’ theory, which rejects all forms of negativity.  This makes self-affirmation often lead to overly positive self-assessments. In practice, this looks like pretending negative qualities do not exist or simply minimizing them, some enthusiasts literally going so far as to say, “You are perfect just the way you.” But statements such as these are a lot like overcorrecting your steering wheel when your car goes off the road – it may be tempting to swerve in the other direction, but overcompensation is not your friend. While it’s meant to empower the individual and increase self-esteem, statements like the one above tend to encourage an idealized self-perception, one that does not conform to reality.

Remember that self-esteem is simply how you esteem and value yourself.  So while low self-esteem is certainly problematic, an overly high self-esteem is not healthy either - in other words, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. If we esteem ourselves too highly and do not value others as highly as ourselves, we become focused on ourselves and our high self-esteem gives way to haughtiness and selfishness. A healthy self-esteem is neither too high nor too low – it has both dignity and confidence without being centered on ourselves.

Self-perception: Finding Self-Esteem and Self-Worth in a Post Modern World (Pt. 2)

What Do You See?
So what exactly is self-esteem? What does a healthy self-esteem look like? Is it even an attainable goal? Self esteem is simply how you value and esteem yourself – what you judge yourself to be worth. When it comes to defining healthy self-esteem, we could easily come up with many different definitions. But when I hear people talk about wanting to have a better self-esteem, what I hear is this: People want to feel good about themselves. Taken in this way, a low self-esteem is feeling bad about yourself - who you are at your core.

While inferiority and low self-esteem are feelings, feelings are based on thoughts and perceptions. In this regard, I agree with many self-help enthusiasts. Why are feelings based on thoughts and perceptions? Think about it. Say you've made plans to meet up with a friend for coffee, and you've been waiting a while for them to show. As the time drags on and you wait alone, you might start to feel angry and resentful, wandering if you’ve been stood up. But the second your friend calls you and tells you that they’ve been in an accident, your feelings would change instantly from anger and resentment to relief and concern. Why? Because your perception of the situation changed.

Therefore, how we think about ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves. The way you evaluate yourself affects how you feel and behave. But self-evaluation can go to either extreme. An overly positive (inflated) evaluation of ourselves breeds pride and haughtiness, affecting how we act toward others. An overly negative (deflated) evaluation of ourselves breeds self-condemnation and self-hatred. In other words, low self-esteem is you judging yourself to be inferior based on the criteria you use to critique yourself, i.e. if I were prettier, if I were more extroverted, if I were more successful, if I were more ____ then I’d be _____. We make negative evaluations of ourselves resulting in feelings of low self-esteem and inferiority. But our evaluations of ourselves are not simply based on our own thoughts and opinions; our negative evaluations can also be the result of believing what others think about us (spoken or implied) and accepting those evaluations and judgments as truth.

An Apologetical Entry: The Sacrifice of Jephthah

I have decided to occasionally post apologetical (simply meaning, a study of Christian theology concerned with the defense or proof of Christianity) thoughts and findings in relation to understanding God and the Bible. This not only stems from my personal enjoyment of apologetics, but because of my own personal struggles. I have often struggled with many Old Testament passages of Scripture - things that have made God seem very harsh, cruel, and far from the loving God often preached to me. There was even a point in my life where I honestly didn't want much to do with God because of what I read in the Bible. For this reason, apologetics has been a powerful tool in my life. I learned to never give up searching for answers. And even though the answers were often not immediate, I have found that if I wait patiently, God often meets me where I am in my doubts and struggles.

I have many unanswered questions still, but I also have more questions answered today than five years ago. As I have said before, however, it's rarely been immediate. The process has been long, but persistence is a virtue. You must never give up, even when things don't make sense. You must continually seek, ask, and knock until the door is opened (Matt 7:7). Persistence comes from determination. When you want something bad enough - you find a way to get it, no matter what.

The passage I have struggled with the most recently comes from Judges. And rather than writing out the whole story, I think I will simply paste the passage of Scripture below and then follow it up with a summary. Quite honestly though, the story spans several passages of Scripture and while it's best to start from the beginning, it's too much for me to paste. So I will focus on a central part of the story in question:

Judges 11: 29-39
29 Then the Spirit of the Lord came on Jephthah. He crossed Gilead and Manasseh, passed through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites. 30 And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, 31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”

32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.

34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh no, my daughter! You have brought me down and I am devastated. I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break.”

36 “My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.”

38 “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and her friends went into the hills and wept because she would never marry. 39 After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin.

This is a hard passage to digest. Jephthah, an unlikely hero, sets out to defend Israel against the Ammonites. And because of Jephthah's personal background, it's safe to say he has a lot hanging on the line, defeat is simply not an option. So in a moment of rashness, Jephthah utters a vow to the Lord - something that is not only highly serious, but impossible to go back on. In an effort to make a quick bargain for what he wants, Jephthah does not stop to consider the possible consequences of his actions. In the words of Solomon in Ecclesiastes:

Be very careful when you go to worship God. It is better to listen to God than to give sacrifices like fools. Fools often do bad things, and they don’t even know it. Be careful when you make promises to God. Be careful about what you say to him. Don’t let your feelings cause you to speak too soon. God is in heaven, and you are on the earth. So you need to say only a few things to him. This saying is true: “Bad dreams come from too many worries, and too many words come from the mouth of a fool.” If you make a promise to God, keep your promise. Don’t be slow to do what you promised. God is not happy with fools. Give God what you promised to give him. It is better to promise nothing than to promise something and not be able to do it. So don’t let your words cause you to sin. Don’t say to the priest, “I didn’t mean what I said.”

Ecc 5:1-6

Jephthah's rash vow ended up costing him dearly. Many who read this story, believers and non-believers alike, are horrified at the idea of Jephthah sacrificing his daughter to God. It's an unspeakable cruel act for anyone to commit, let alone a parent. It's particularly perplexing because why would God want Jephthah to sacrifice his daughter just to fulfill a vow? Why would God ever sanction a human sacrifice? More importantly, why would a loving God ever saction a human sacrifice in any situation?

Inferiority Complex: Finding Self-Esteem and Self-Worth in a Post Modern World (Pt. 1)

Self-esteem in a Post Modern World
In a world where affirmation can be found in so many places, it seems surprising that self-esteem and self-worth would still be a struggle for most people. Maybe not all of us, but many of us were told as a child by parents, teachers, and disney that we could achieve anything we put our mind to and we could be anything we wanted to be. And if you didn't hear it from them, you most certainly heard it from other cultural influences.  

As an adult, these affirmations can be found in other sources - sexuality, love, work, sports, you name it. And despite it all, we still seem to be a people plagued by problems of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. As more psychological problems surface, many embark in search for a cure. The rise of self-help books and pop psychology seems to say as much. And most of the time, the cure ends up sounding something like this: You need to love yourself and have confidence in who you are - only you can make yourself happy. Given our individualistic culture, a culture that values independence and self-sufficiency above dependence on others, this idea does not come as a surpise. And in some ways, the idea makes sense. If the problem is an internal one, it would seem logical to look within yourself to fix it. But for so many reasons, I feel that this is actually the wrong place to look.

A Place Among Them

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us…” Heb 12:1

Stories of great men and women are always inspiring, especially ones that are no mere legends. The more true the story, the more inspiring. Such stories show how real men and women can do extraordinary things. Of course, greatness as it may be defined, is a matter of perspective. The most inspiring lives are the ones that speak of incredible faith, love, and hope. Maybe such lives don’t seem at all great in the eyes of the world, but such lives mark greatness as it is defined by the kingdom of heaven. Trials proved genuine the faith they possessed. Their lives bared witness to and gave evidence of a divine power that enabled them in all things.

Inspired by His nature, they sought to emulate Him in their ways. They are truly an uncommon find, a rare breed. They were willing to go where no man or woman had gone before or at least where few were willing to go. And it is this unique trait that makes their lives so inspiring - their willingness to let go of what few others are willing to give up. In this way, their very lives became like a sweet fragrance, an aroma to inhale - they are redolent of something so good, so other-worldly that one cannot help but taste Heaven. Lives such as those of George Muller, James H. Taylor, Gladys Alyward, Amy Carmichael, the Stams, and William Carey - who all left the common path to live for something greater than themselves. Each one carried a torch with them in their race to the finish line, only to give it away to the next person. And that is the legacy they left us - that someone else would come after them, pick up the torch and carry on where they left off.

Crossroads

Down this windy, dusty road
Awaits a path through which most go
The path is bearable, easy and wide
The name of the path is a Wasted Life
Promising easy trials and avoidance of pain
The path offers much for its pilgrims to gain
But off this beaten path another trail lies
It's small, narrow, stark, and untried
This Road Less Travelled will lead you where you want to go
Though where that is, no one knows
The path awards its travellers meaning, significance, adventure, and life
But it comes at a high price-
The price of a lonely life
Yes, pain and sorrow flow mingled down
Along this trying path to some untold crown
And though starting down this path may be easy enough
The real question is will the price be too much?
Though faint whispers of pioneers past
Urge you on to this uncertain path
Will the trials be too much for the soul to take?
Will the burden to press on be too great?
Yes, down this Road Less Travelled you must sojourn alone
But perhaps at the end you will find home
And though the trials and loneliness were indeed great
Perhaps you will feel no regret over the price you paid
Down the Road Less Travelled you will go
Though where it leads, no one knows

Jesus and Religion

Come, follow me,” Jesus said. Matt 4:19

“How does your religion get you to heaven?” It wasn’t the question that stunned me, it was the response. “Actually, my religion doesn’t get you to heaven.” What? The host presiding over the inter-faith dialogues asked him to explain. “Sure, I’ve just never seen a religion save anyone. All religions are great at laying out some basic rules – dos and don’ts – that are good for our lives, but they don’t really provide hope or any kind of eternal security. It seems religions end up causing more trouble than solving any.” Wait – I thought this dude was a Christian! What was he saying?! “So then, how do you get to heaven?” the host asked him confused. “Well, it’s Jesus. He didn’t start a new religion; he came to provide us a model for life and a way to God. Believing in him and following him is the way. He takes us to heaven, not a religion.”

The word “religion” comes from a word that means “to tie up, to bind,” in the sense of obligation. Many people don’t want to become a Christian because they think Christianity is a religion. They are not looking to become burdened or tied up under a bunch of rules – they want to be free. But being part of the Christian religion and following Jesus are not one in the same.

Religion lays heavy burdens on the backs of men, under which they struggle. To the religious leaders of His day Jesus said, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them” (Luke 11:45-47). Jesus didn’t come to start a new religion and lay more heavy burdens on the backs of men; he came to show us a new way entirely – believing in and following Him.