“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.” Prov 3:5-6
I would like to address something that seems predominant among Christians, something that bothers me because it seems so wrong. I would like to address it without condemnation. I am not one of those people who likes to say its my way or no way. Sometimes matters are not black and white and I realize there are exceptions to the rule. I do not want to focus on a behavior, but on the heart behind it. So to address this issue, I think Elisabeth Elliot, wife of martyr Jim Elliot, puts it in the best terms:
“Hearts do break. The same hearts are breakable over and over again. Letters come in from couples who were engaged or very nearly engaged. One of them suddenly informs the other that they must break it off. The reason given, one which is thought to obviate all argument and dry all tears: ‘It is the will of God.’ This is in some cases an honest explanation. Perhaps one has come to a new place of surrender to the Lord and discovered that he or she has made a serious mistake. Sincere Christians make many a mistake, and surely it is better to rectify it than to proceed as though no mistake had ever occurred. The engagement must come to an end. Better now than after the wedding.
There is another possibility. The person had not sought God from the beginning. He or she entered into a relationship carelessly, with no thought of self-offering, prayer, or waiting for a word from God. It was self-willed and irresponsible.”
I have seen this scenario played out in different ways. Most often it takes place where the person chooses who they want to date and pursues them without asking God what He would think. Years later, after a serious relationship, they arrive at their conclusion: God wills them to break up. Someone or both people are left wounded, or even devastated. The other way I see this commonly play out is the person says they want to pray about it, but they continue to pursue the relationship without waiting on God’s word. Then as they get closer to that person they become emotionally attached and “feel” it would be okay with God if they have a romantic relationship with that person.
In either scenario, they impulsively move forward without waiting because it’s what they want, and then after time they change their mind and put the blame on God, “It is God’s will for us to no longer be together,” as if God somehow changed His mind. Hurt, perhaps even devastation, follows. Broken hearts are so widespread in our world today. While I do not think they are unavoidable, I do not think it is God’s will or desire for us to handle the heart of another carelessly or rush into things impulsively out of self-will.
What would you do if God lined up ten people in front of you and said, “Pick the one you want”? How would you proceed to decide which person was the best fit for you? Eric Ludy, author of When God Writes Your Love Story, writes his response to this question, “If God had ten women line up in front of me and said, ‘Eric, you pick!’ I would fall flat on my face before Him and say, ‘God, you know me better than I know myself…You pick!’” I deeply admire this response. This is the response of a man who does not lean on his own understanding. We do this with every other area of the Christian life, why is dating different?
The problem is not dating. The problem is that people do not ask God what He thinks or they do not do so before they pursue the relationship. They decide to date casually so they can “figure out if it would work” (although given the high number of breakups I see, I am unsure as to why casual dating is considered an accurate predictor of it “working out”). In essence, they choose and then ask God to bless their choice. Sometimes this works out fine, or even if our choice was a mistake God is good and can redeem it. Other times, one or both parties are deeply wounded and must part ways permenantly. And the breaker-upper may say to themselves, “It is not my fault. It was God’s will we break up.”
Do you see the flawed logic in their actions? The person chooses based on what they want, what they desire. Their decision is based on their own desires and feelings and they lean on their own understanding. They choose. They may pray about it, but due to impatience and the fear of a missed opportunity they give in to something that may not have been God’s will for them in the first place. I have to boldly agree with Elisabeth Elliot, it is careless and irresponsible. Is the heart a casual thing? Is the heart tough and unbreakable? Therefore, why would anyone proceed in matters of the heart as if they were casual?
Do I think casual dating is wrong? No. I know people who used casual dating to figure out if it would work and they came out just fine. But I know as many, if not more, people hurt where the relationship did not work out, so it seems to me like an unreliable determinant of a successful relationship. To be honest, I don’t understand why people have to figure out if the person would be a good person to be romantically involved with when it seems that the superior option by far would be just to ask God.
I think casual dating to see if the candidate is a good choice or pursuing a relationship without asking God is unwise because of the heart behind it: you are leaning on your own understanding, making a decision out of self-will, rather than asking God for His choice for you. I feel that if more people asked God a lot of unnecessary heartbreak or disappointment could be avoided. And if people hesitate to ask God because they are afraid they would not like who He would choose for them, that would imply that they cannot really trust Him.
So what is the best course of action instead? Pray about it before you go on a date, date casually, or pursue the relationship to see how things work out. Why? Because if you pray about it but still go ahead and pursue it without waiting on God, you run a greater risk of making a decision that is based on your growing feelings and desires for that person as you become closer and more attached. Then before you know it, then it just sort of “feels” like God is saying yes. Then God somehow changes His mind two or three years later. Though not always the case, I have seen it happen time and time again - it seems incredibly fickle.
The best option is to wait to hear from God on who He wants you to be with. You do not choose - He does. You do not lean on your understand, you lean on God’s understanding. For those who are skeptical of the approach I have advocated, I would like to point out that dating is a recent phenomenon. It did not always exist and people found love and were happily married without it. And if you are about to suggest to me that romantic love did not exist or that people were not happily married for the thousands of years that dating did not exist I would tell you to go read Song of Solomon. I would also encourage you to read Elisabeth Elliot’s Quest for Love, a book filled with love stories where people never dated, yet against all odds, God brought them together and wrote their love story.
