Learning
to Think Differently
So how can we change our thinking to encourage a healthy self-esteem? In answering this question, many self-help enthusiasts would advocate self-affirmation as the cure to low self-esteem. The problem is self-affirmation holds closely to the ‘power of positive thinking’ theory, which rejects all forms of negativity. This makes self-affirmation often lead to overly positive self-assessments. In practice, this looks like pretending negative qualities do not exist or simply minimizing them, some enthusiasts literally going so far as to say, “You are perfect just the way you.” But statements such as these are a lot like overcorrecting your steering wheel when your car goes off the road – it may be tempting to swerve in the other direction, but overcompensation is not your friend. While it’s meant to empower the individual and increase self-esteem, statements like the one above tend to encourage an idealized self-perception, one that does not conform to reality.
Remember that self-esteem is simply how you esteem and value yourself. So while low self-esteem is certainly problematic, an overly high self-esteem is not healthy either - in other words, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. If we esteem ourselves too highly and do not value others as highly as ourselves, we become focused on ourselves and our high self-esteem gives way to haughtiness and selfishness. A healthy self-esteem is neither too high nor too low – it has both dignity and confidence without being centered on ourselves.
Why is grace the answer to low self-esteem? Because with grace you don't cover up what’s wrong, rather you uncover it; and in uncovering it, you're not shamed and condemned. But in order to be transformed by grace, you must first recognize your need for it. It’s much like receiving a gift – the gift being offered will do you no good until reach out with your hands and take it. Seeing our need for grace takes letting go of our pride. But without grace, we will continue to find ways to hide. Grace takes away the sting of shame. Grace heals because grace esteems.
God’s grace offered to us is indicative of God’s esteem for us – not because we don’t have sin, but rather in spite of it. And if the God of the Universe, who knows us better than we know ourselves, can stare our sin in the face and still value us so much he would rather sacrifice His Son than live without us, then we are truly esteemed. I do not put my hope for acceptance in my own goodness or self-achieved righteousness – rather it’s His grace that makes me feel confident and esteemed. What does a healthy self-esteem look like? Humble Confidence. Humble in that we possess a modest spirit, free from attention-seeking, vanity, boastfulness, and self-absorption - knowing that the self is not ultimate. Confident in that we carry ourselves with dignity (dignity coming from a word that literally means “worth/worthiness”), secure in the knowledge of our value and at peace with who we are.
In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too. Phil 2:3, 4
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Heb 4:16
So how can we change our thinking to encourage a healthy self-esteem? In answering this question, many self-help enthusiasts would advocate self-affirmation as the cure to low self-esteem. The problem is self-affirmation holds closely to the ‘power of positive thinking’ theory, which rejects all forms of negativity. This makes self-affirmation often lead to overly positive self-assessments. In practice, this looks like pretending negative qualities do not exist or simply minimizing them, some enthusiasts literally going so far as to say, “You are perfect just the way you.” But statements such as these are a lot like overcorrecting your steering wheel when your car goes off the road – it may be tempting to swerve in the other direction, but overcompensation is not your friend. While it’s meant to empower the individual and increase self-esteem, statements like the one above tend to encourage an idealized self-perception, one that does not conform to reality.
Remember that self-esteem is simply how you esteem and value yourself. So while low self-esteem is certainly problematic, an overly high self-esteem is not healthy either - in other words, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. If we esteem ourselves too highly and do not value others as highly as ourselves, we become focused on ourselves and our high self-esteem gives way to haughtiness and selfishness. A healthy self-esteem is neither too high nor too low – it has both dignity and confidence without being centered on ourselves.
The hard part is that when it comes to evaluating ourselves, we are
not an unbiased source of judgment.
We tend to judge ourselves in either an overly positive or overly negative
light - resulting in a denial of our personal flaws and wrongdoings (self-righteousness)
or an inescapable sense shame and hopelessness (self-condemnation). To avoid
this kind of extremism, we must seek an accurate
self-perception based on an unbiased
standard - that of Truth – not ourselves or others. What does a view of self based on truth look like? It is not too inflated
and idealized, neither is it harsh and judgmental. Rather, it is confidence
with humility and conviction with grace:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things…And the God of peace will be with you. Phil 4:8, 9 (The word for "true" in the original Greek text translates as "conforming to reality").
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Rom 12:3 ("sober" in the original Greek text translates as "to be of a sound/right mind, (figuratively) moderate").
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. 1 Cor 4:3-5
If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else. Gal 6:3-5
The Grace That Esteems
One reason we have low self-esteem is that we have something to feel bad about. Our problem is not that we are perfect and just struggle to believe in our perfection. Rather, we all have done things we regret and feel bad about - things we are ashamed of and wish we could hide. And can I be honest? The reason is, there is something wrong with us. I don't say that as judgmental condemnation, I say that as a straight-forward observation. We all generally acknowledge on some level that we aren't perfect, but we don't like to admit something is wrong with us. Maybe we're afraid of seeing what that something is. Maybe even more than that, we fear that if that something is exposed, we will become unacceptable, unlovable, or unrespectable in the sight of others. That something is called sin. And why is that so hard to admit? I think because we're afraid of what our sin says about us - that we are not as good as we had hoped or want to believe. And we don't want to feel bad about ourselves. If healing our self-esteem is about feeling good about ourselves, wouldn’t believing there is something wrong with you be counterproductive?
Consequently, our denial is only covering up the problem, not dealing with it. We may be able to hide from ourselves and others, but in the moments when our pride is shattered because we have failed to measure up to the person we want to be, we come face-to-face with our brokenness, and with reality. This kind of brokenness is precisely what self-affirmation can cover but can't heal. What heals our low self-esteem isn't swinging to the other extreme and idealizing ourselves, nor is it self-improvement driven by perfectionism - perfectionism, like self-affirmation, covers up our flaws and weaknesses through performance in order to earn acceptance, leaving us empty and exhausted in the process. Rather, the most healing thing we can do is receive grace and forgiveness - God's grace and forgiveness.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things…And the God of peace will be with you. Phil 4:8, 9 (The word for "true" in the original Greek text translates as "conforming to reality").
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Rom 12:3 ("sober" in the original Greek text translates as "to be of a sound/right mind, (figuratively) moderate").
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. 1 Cor 4:3-5
If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else. Gal 6:3-5
The Grace That Esteems
One reason we have low self-esteem is that we have something to feel bad about. Our problem is not that we are perfect and just struggle to believe in our perfection. Rather, we all have done things we regret and feel bad about - things we are ashamed of and wish we could hide. And can I be honest? The reason is, there is something wrong with us. I don't say that as judgmental condemnation, I say that as a straight-forward observation. We all generally acknowledge on some level that we aren't perfect, but we don't like to admit something is wrong with us. Maybe we're afraid of seeing what that something is. Maybe even more than that, we fear that if that something is exposed, we will become unacceptable, unlovable, or unrespectable in the sight of others. That something is called sin. And why is that so hard to admit? I think because we're afraid of what our sin says about us - that we are not as good as we had hoped or want to believe. And we don't want to feel bad about ourselves. If healing our self-esteem is about feeling good about ourselves, wouldn’t believing there is something wrong with you be counterproductive?
Consequently, our denial is only covering up the problem, not dealing with it. We may be able to hide from ourselves and others, but in the moments when our pride is shattered because we have failed to measure up to the person we want to be, we come face-to-face with our brokenness, and with reality. This kind of brokenness is precisely what self-affirmation can cover but can't heal. What heals our low self-esteem isn't swinging to the other extreme and idealizing ourselves, nor is it self-improvement driven by perfectionism - perfectionism, like self-affirmation, covers up our flaws and weaknesses through performance in order to earn acceptance, leaving us empty and exhausted in the process. Rather, the most healing thing we can do is receive grace and forgiveness - God's grace and forgiveness.
Why is grace the answer to low self-esteem? Because with grace you don't cover up what’s wrong, rather you uncover it; and in uncovering it, you're not shamed and condemned. But in order to be transformed by grace, you must first recognize your need for it. It’s much like receiving a gift – the gift being offered will do you no good until reach out with your hands and take it. Seeing our need for grace takes letting go of our pride. But without grace, we will continue to find ways to hide. Grace takes away the sting of shame. Grace heals because grace esteems.
God’s grace offered to us is indicative of God’s esteem for us – not because we don’t have sin, but rather in spite of it. And if the God of the Universe, who knows us better than we know ourselves, can stare our sin in the face and still value us so much he would rather sacrifice His Son than live without us, then we are truly esteemed. I do not put my hope for acceptance in my own goodness or self-achieved righteousness – rather it’s His grace that makes me feel confident and esteemed. What does a healthy self-esteem look like? Humble Confidence. Humble in that we possess a modest spirit, free from attention-seeking, vanity, boastfulness, and self-absorption - knowing that the self is not ultimate. Confident in that we carry ourselves with dignity (dignity coming from a word that literally means “worth/worthiness”), secure in the knowledge of our value and at peace with who we are.
In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too. Phil 2:3, 4
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Heb 4:16
