What Do You See?
So what exactly is self-esteem? What does a healthy self-esteem look like? Is
it even an attainable goal? Self esteem
is simply how you value and esteem yourself – what you judge yourself to be
worth. When it comes to defining healthy
self-esteem, we could easily come up with many different definitions. But when
I hear people talk about wanting to have a better self-esteem, what I hear is
this: People want to feel good about themselves. Taken in this way, a low self-esteem is feeling bad about yourself
- who you are at your core.
While inferiority and low self-esteem are
feelings, feelings are based on thoughts and perceptions. In this regard, I
agree with many self-help enthusiasts. Why are feelings based on thoughts and
perceptions? Think about it. Say you've made plans to meet up with a friend for
coffee, and you've been waiting a while for them to show. As the time drags on
and you wait alone, you might start to feel angry and resentful, wandering if
you’ve been stood up. But the second your friend calls you and tells you that
they’ve been in an accident, your feelings would change instantly from anger
and resentment to relief and concern. Why? Because
your perception of the situation changed.
Therefore, how we think about
ourselves affects how we feel about
ourselves. The way you evaluate yourself affects how you feel and behave. But
self-evaluation can go to either extreme. An overly positive (inflated)
evaluation of ourselves breeds pride and haughtiness, affecting how we act
toward others. An overly negative (deflated) evaluation of ourselves breeds
self-condemnation and self-hatred. In other words, low self-esteem is you judging yourself to be inferior based on
the criteria you use to critique yourself, i.e. if I were prettier, if I were
more extroverted, if I were more successful, if I were more ____ then I’d be
_____. We make negative evaluations of ourselves resulting in feelings of low
self-esteem and inferiority. But our evaluations of ourselves are not simply
based on our own thoughts and opinions; our negative evaluations can also be
the result of believing what others think about us (spoken or implied) and
accepting those evaluations and judgments as truth.
What You Value Determines Your Self-Worth
It would be wrong to say, however, that all
negative self-evaluations are inaccurate and detrimental to our self-esteem.
For example, saying I am not a good singer may be an entirely truthful negative
self-perception. People who are not honest with themselves in regards to
accurate, negative self-evaluations can as a result have an overly positive perception
of themselves. We see this during American Idol try-outs; people who believe
they have the voice of Celine Dion and in reality do not. But when we judge ourselves based on these accurate, negative
perceptions, we are basing our self-worth on all the wrong things – namely,
appearance, relationships, talents, abilities, possessions, and a good image. When we judge our self-worth based on worldly
things, it is the result of valuing and ascribing praise to what the World
values and exalts. According to the World, it is the most successful, the
best-looking, the most talented, the wealthiest, or the most religious who are
worthy of praise. And without those things, you are insignificant, nothing,
without worth.
The problem is, we will always fall short of the ideal. We may never have the
body of Barbie or Ken, no matter how hard we try - and the lucky ones who do
lose it by age 50. We will never be the perfect spouse or parent, and our
relationships can fluctuate based on any number of factors. We may never be the most successful or
talented singer, artist, athlete, musician, or person in our field. The point
is, by valuing the things of the world
above the things of God we are cheating ourselves – we can’t win. No one
can really have it all or be it all, and the few who do, don’t seem any
happier.
To combat this kind of self-judgment, we
have to replace the filter through which we see ourselves – in other words,
the criteria we use to evaluate ourselves. We must base our self-evaluations on
truth rather than the worldly criteria of appearance, relationships,
possessions, talents, abilities, personality, and a good image. It’s not that
all these things are evil in and of themselves; it is that we value them too
highly. We value the things of this life
more than we value the things of God.
"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?" Matt 16:24-26 (The Message)
