In The Beginning
Since the beginning, stories have been central to human existence. It is from stories that we learn the most about a person. If you want to know why someone is the way they are – ask them about their life journey. Each of us has our own journey, so our stories are as unique as their tellers. If we were having coffee right now, I would sit across from you and ask you about your life. What your own personal story is and how it has defined you. How all of it – the good and the bad - has built up until this very moment, making you the person you are today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. But today.
Everyone has their story. And this is mine. I am humbled when I consider the fact that my story is merely a blip on the screen in a long line of stories, beginning ages ago. My life is only one life in the billions of living souls out there. My story is not even the most important story out there. But nevertheless, it is my story. My watershed occurred ten years ago this very day. This day, ten years ago, my whole world changed. In a very real way the Christina I once knew died. But it wasn’t a sad kind of death. It’s the kind of death that precedes a glorious metamorphosis. The way winter gives way to spring or a seed becomes a tree. It’s the kind of death that leads to life. The ‘me’ I knew died, and a new Christina awakened in her place. But of course, my journey didn’t start ten years ago. It started long before that.
Everyone has their own demons to face down. And entering into high school, I certainly had mine. I was very much a loner; I had my reasons. What I knew of life up until that point was far from a typical, sheltered childhood. While my childhood was wonderful in many ways it was in this season of life that I experienced many of my deepest wounds. I was fortunate enough to have both a mother and father who loved me and expressed that love. But I had very few friends as a child. What I frequently experienced from other children was exclusion and ridicule. At a very young age I also experienced abuse from someone I knew and trusted, but I did not tell my parents about the abuse out of fear. Instead, I opted to pretend like nothing had ever happened. And at age eight, as a result of having no friends at school, my mother withdrew me from school and placed me in home-schooling. My life took another dramatic turn when my family was burned by our church; they had been like close family to us. But the church was torn down the middle when some of the leaders began to abuse their power in the church, my family on the receiving end. My parents left the church taking me and my brother with them. But the impression it left on me of Christians was not a good one.
Entering into adolescence, I was pretty disillusioned with the world. But I found ways cope. I turned to solitary activities to keep myself preoccupied, becoming consumed with the television, video games, the internet, and fantasies. I became numb and detached from reality. I would spend an average of nine to nine and half hours watching television (can you say high school anime club?). These fixations were my escape. I didn’t “need” anything or anyone. Instead, I looked out for myself. I was fine on my own. Or so I thought.
My first year of high school my parents put me back into public school. To be honest, I hated their decision. My first two years back in public school were not different from my previous experience. I didn’t fit in and I certainly didn’t try to. While all the others kids were worried about being popular and winning a date, I could have cared less. I was the reserved, quiet kid who didn’t talk much and kept mostly to myself. I dressed different, acted different, and was into different things. So I was labeled as an outcast, looked down on and ridiculed for being different. But that was fine by me. I wasn’t interested in following the crowd. As far as I was concerned, I was better than all of them.
The Pharisee Road
I had a heart of pure stone. But to myself, I thought nothing was wrong. In fact, I thought myself to be a good, moral person who was better than other people cuz I didn’t do "really bad things" (whatever that means). I saw myself as morally superior to the other kids at my school because I didn’t engage in the same risky behavior they did. It’s not that I thought I didn’t have any flaws. But nobody’s perfect, right? So I just didn’t think they were really a big deal. I knew plenty of people out there who messed up worse than me – Hitler being one great example. Of course, we are the most biased judges when it comes to ourselves.
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “Christian”? Is it hypocritical? Judgmental? Self-righteous? Uptight? Close-minded? Ten years ago, I would have agreed with you. That word held a lot of connotations to me, and most of them weren’t good. In my mind, it stirred a lot of bad memories. If anyone has a reason to give up on the church, I definitely had mine. Don’t get me wrong. If you had asked me what my religious affiliation, I would have still said I was a ‘Christian.’ But to me, being a Christian was sort of like background information. Christianity was my religion, just like my favorite color is blue and I like chocolate (in fact, I really like chocolate).
I didn’t practice any organized religion. I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I hadn’t touched a Bible in years – I thought it was just a book of opinions written by fallible men. And I was skeptical about Jesus being the Messiah. A good person, maybe, but the Son of God? That was a pretty big claim in my book. In identifying as a Christian, it meant that I believed God existed and I believed you needed to be a good person in order to go to heaven, nothing more. And I was a hundred percent positive that I qualified as a good person.
If anyone has reason to think they are a good, moral person, believe me, I had just as many, maybe even more. Not only did I not kill anyone (impressive, right?), steal, or cheat, I didn’t go out partying, drinking, or doing drugs. I didn’t have sex, heck, I hadn’t even kissed a guy (still haven’t, good luck finding a politically correct term for that). I never got into fights with others kids. I didn’t even cuss. In the eyes of the world, I was moral with a capital ‘M.’ As far as good goes, I was golden. I placed confidence in my own goodness and morality (self-righteous), and as a result I looked down on other people who did things I didn’t do (or thought I didn’t). I thought I could approach God because of my own goodness; that as long as I lived a good life, I would pass the test for His approval.
There’s a reason Jesus butted heads with the Pharisees, the religious leaders of his day. The problem wasn’t that I thought I was a perfect person. It’s that I was self-deceived. It’s not that I didn’t think I sinned – it’s just that I thought other people sinned worse than me. But, “whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it. For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a lawbreaker” (James 2:11).
But what I didn’t realize was this: it is not just hard to keep God’s commands, it’s impossible. Does that seem unfair? That God gave us His commands, knowing full well we wouldn’t be able to keep them? That’s because the point of the Law isn’t to make us good. It’s show us we aren’t good enough. Confusing? Let me put it this way: God gave us the Law to point to our need for a Savior. “No one can be made right with God by following the law. The law only shows us our sin” (Rom 3:20). We aren’t able to follow God’s will perfectly, we never will be. The Law levels the playing field, because “There is no one righteous, not even one…for all have sinned and fallen short…” (Rom 3:10, 23).
No one can claim to be better than anyone else because we all sin, just in different ways. And how can we receive grace if we don’t know what we are receiving grace for? The Law reveals to us our need for God’s grace. “You have been saved by grace because you believed. You did not save yourselves; it was a gift from God. You are not saved by the things you have done, so that no one can boast” (Eph 2:8-9).
The Invitation
It was at this point in the story where everything changed for me. August 23, 2004. When I wasn't even looking, I stumbled upon the best thing to ever happen to me. "I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me" (Rom 10:20). That was me. I didn’t hit rock bottom. My life wasn’t falling apart. I wasn’t even on some quest for truth. Almost by accident I found it. Or rather, I was found. And I couldn’t believe what I’d found. I never felt so dense as the moment I realized Christianity was about a relationship with God through Christ and letting Him have a say in my life. It’s a relationship, not a religion. A relationship I could have not because of anything I had done, but because of everything He had done for me.
All this time, I had thought Christianity was about trying to be a good, moral person. But I have nothing to brag about – it’s God’s goodness, not my own, that saved me. My righteous acts could never be enough to give me right standing with God; I will always fall short. And what I could not do for myself He did for me through the gift of a Savior – Christ. I fell in love that day. Not with an idea. Not with a religious system. But a Person. He changed me, from the inside out. I died that day and became a new person. I don’t live for myself anymore. I live for God.
Before I was lonely, insecure, and quiet girl, caught in an elusive pursuit of happiness - always close but just out of reach. I am an entirely different person today. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that God transformed me into a vibrant, social, confident girl who loves people. He healed me from the things that held me down and gave me a joy and happiness in life I never thought possible. Every day I fall more in love with Who He is. He’s my Best Friend, my Hope, my Purpose and Meaning, my Joy, my Everything because NOTHING else satisfies.
I’d love to tell you that becoming a Christian instantly propelled me into sainthood. That I never messed up anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m not a perfect person. In telling you all this, I am not trying to show off my righteousness. This isn’t a story about how I got my act together or “became a good person.” I didn’t enroll in some self-help program to become a better person under the guise of Christianity. I am not pointing to myself. I don’t want you to be like me, and you weren’t meant to be either.
Rather, in telling you all this, it is my hope to point you to the One who changed my life. And He’s better than we could ever imagine. He’s not angry and distant toward you because of your sin. Neither is he some feeble old man on a throne. He’s King of the Universe - majestic, powerful, and righteous. And He’s crazy about you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you, and not because of anything you’ve done.
He didn’t come for the people who have it all together. He came for the sinners – the liars and thieves, sluts, drug addicts, murderers, adulterers, the messed up and broken, the rejects, the losers, the lost and forgotten. You could never be worthy of His love – and that’s the point, He loves you anyway. Let that Love free you. He doesn’t just care about you when you go to church or read your Bible. He cares about every moment of your life because He made you and He wanted you on this earth. You matter to Him. If you didn’t, He would not have sent his Son to sacrifice His life on your behalf.
Count the Cost
A good salesman will sell you on all the benefits to get you to sign up without telling you about the costs. That is not what I’m trying to do. God can change your life. But please don’t misunderstand me: there is a cost. God won’t be able to change your life as long as you insist on holding the reigns. God isn’t after your religious deeds; He’s after you. And He doesn’t want just a little bit – He wants all of you. He will settle for nothing less. Christ challenges us, “Anyone who wants to follow me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade for your soul?” (Matt 16:24-26 MSG).
God is not some Almighty Santa Clause. If you think getting everything you want in this life is the key to true happiness, you will be sorely disappointed. If you choose to follow Christ, life will not become paradise on earth. God won’t make your troubles go away. Your problems won’t disappear. You will have trouble in this life. You will experience pain and suffering. But don’t give up. Christ is bigger than the sorrows of this life. He’s bigger than all your mistakes, your pain, and your troubles. He can handle all of it, if you’ll give it all to Him.
More than Worth It
What I can tell you is this: the cost is worth it. If you choose to follow Christ, you will know a joy unlike anything the pleasures of this world can offer you. That bleeding ache you wake with every morning will be healed. That restless searching for the next best thing will be over. That gaping hole in your heart will be filled. That voice of shame that whispers in your ear and makes you want to hide will lose its power over you. That loneliness will be gone. You will find rest and peace for your weary soul. I have never regretted my decision to follow Christ. Not Once.
I don’t miss my old life or regret not living for my own selfish pursuits and happiness. The benefits far outweigh the cost. God didn’t cheat me. Christ more than makes up for anything I’ve given up. All those things that the world considers pleasurable bring happiness for only that moment. God has given me life-long happiness. Christ once told the story, “God’s kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field. One day a man found the treasure. He hid it again and was so happy that he went and sold everything he owned and bought the field.” Why did he sell everything he had? Because what he got in return was worth far more. Christ is absolutely worthy. He is worthy of all of it.
Since the beginning, stories have been central to human existence. It is from stories that we learn the most about a person. If you want to know why someone is the way they are – ask them about their life journey. Each of us has our own journey, so our stories are as unique as their tellers. If we were having coffee right now, I would sit across from you and ask you about your life. What your own personal story is and how it has defined you. How all of it – the good and the bad - has built up until this very moment, making you the person you are today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. But today.
Everyone has their story. And this is mine. I am humbled when I consider the fact that my story is merely a blip on the screen in a long line of stories, beginning ages ago. My life is only one life in the billions of living souls out there. My story is not even the most important story out there. But nevertheless, it is my story. My watershed occurred ten years ago this very day. This day, ten years ago, my whole world changed. In a very real way the Christina I once knew died. But it wasn’t a sad kind of death. It’s the kind of death that precedes a glorious metamorphosis. The way winter gives way to spring or a seed becomes a tree. It’s the kind of death that leads to life. The ‘me’ I knew died, and a new Christina awakened in her place. But of course, my journey didn’t start ten years ago. It started long before that.
Everyone has their own demons to face down. And entering into high school, I certainly had mine. I was very much a loner; I had my reasons. What I knew of life up until that point was far from a typical, sheltered childhood. While my childhood was wonderful in many ways it was in this season of life that I experienced many of my deepest wounds. I was fortunate enough to have both a mother and father who loved me and expressed that love. But I had very few friends as a child. What I frequently experienced from other children was exclusion and ridicule. At a very young age I also experienced abuse from someone I knew and trusted, but I did not tell my parents about the abuse out of fear. Instead, I opted to pretend like nothing had ever happened. And at age eight, as a result of having no friends at school, my mother withdrew me from school and placed me in home-schooling. My life took another dramatic turn when my family was burned by our church; they had been like close family to us. But the church was torn down the middle when some of the leaders began to abuse their power in the church, my family on the receiving end. My parents left the church taking me and my brother with them. But the impression it left on me of Christians was not a good one.
Entering into adolescence, I was pretty disillusioned with the world. But I found ways cope. I turned to solitary activities to keep myself preoccupied, becoming consumed with the television, video games, the internet, and fantasies. I became numb and detached from reality. I would spend an average of nine to nine and half hours watching television (can you say high school anime club?). These fixations were my escape. I didn’t “need” anything or anyone. Instead, I looked out for myself. I was fine on my own. Or so I thought.
My first year of high school my parents put me back into public school. To be honest, I hated their decision. My first two years back in public school were not different from my previous experience. I didn’t fit in and I certainly didn’t try to. While all the others kids were worried about being popular and winning a date, I could have cared less. I was the reserved, quiet kid who didn’t talk much and kept mostly to myself. I dressed different, acted different, and was into different things. So I was labeled as an outcast, looked down on and ridiculed for being different. But that was fine by me. I wasn’t interested in following the crowd. As far as I was concerned, I was better than all of them.
The Pharisee Road
I had a heart of pure stone. But to myself, I thought nothing was wrong. In fact, I thought myself to be a good, moral person who was better than other people cuz I didn’t do "really bad things" (whatever that means). I saw myself as morally superior to the other kids at my school because I didn’t engage in the same risky behavior they did. It’s not that I thought I didn’t have any flaws. But nobody’s perfect, right? So I just didn’t think they were really a big deal. I knew plenty of people out there who messed up worse than me – Hitler being one great example. Of course, we are the most biased judges when it comes to ourselves.
What comes to your mind when you hear the word “Christian”? Is it hypocritical? Judgmental? Self-righteous? Uptight? Close-minded? Ten years ago, I would have agreed with you. That word held a lot of connotations to me, and most of them weren’t good. In my mind, it stirred a lot of bad memories. If anyone has a reason to give up on the church, I definitely had mine. Don’t get me wrong. If you had asked me what my religious affiliation, I would have still said I was a ‘Christian.’ But to me, being a Christian was sort of like background information. Christianity was my religion, just like my favorite color is blue and I like chocolate (in fact, I really like chocolate).
I didn’t practice any organized religion. I didn’t go to church on Sunday. I hadn’t touched a Bible in years – I thought it was just a book of opinions written by fallible men. And I was skeptical about Jesus being the Messiah. A good person, maybe, but the Son of God? That was a pretty big claim in my book. In identifying as a Christian, it meant that I believed God existed and I believed you needed to be a good person in order to go to heaven, nothing more. And I was a hundred percent positive that I qualified as a good person.
If anyone has reason to think they are a good, moral person, believe me, I had just as many, maybe even more. Not only did I not kill anyone (impressive, right?), steal, or cheat, I didn’t go out partying, drinking, or doing drugs. I didn’t have sex, heck, I hadn’t even kissed a guy (still haven’t, good luck finding a politically correct term for that). I never got into fights with others kids. I didn’t even cuss. In the eyes of the world, I was moral with a capital ‘M.’ As far as good goes, I was golden. I placed confidence in my own goodness and morality (self-righteous), and as a result I looked down on other people who did things I didn’t do (or thought I didn’t). I thought I could approach God because of my own goodness; that as long as I lived a good life, I would pass the test for His approval.
There’s a reason Jesus butted heads with the Pharisees, the religious leaders of his day. The problem wasn’t that I thought I was a perfect person. It’s that I was self-deceived. It’s not that I didn’t think I sinned – it’s just that I thought other people sinned worse than me. But, “whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it. For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also said, “Do not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a lawbreaker” (James 2:11).
But what I didn’t realize was this: it is not just hard to keep God’s commands, it’s impossible. Does that seem unfair? That God gave us His commands, knowing full well we wouldn’t be able to keep them? That’s because the point of the Law isn’t to make us good. It’s show us we aren’t good enough. Confusing? Let me put it this way: God gave us the Law to point to our need for a Savior. “No one can be made right with God by following the law. The law only shows us our sin” (Rom 3:20). We aren’t able to follow God’s will perfectly, we never will be. The Law levels the playing field, because “There is no one righteous, not even one…for all have sinned and fallen short…” (Rom 3:10, 23).
No one can claim to be better than anyone else because we all sin, just in different ways. And how can we receive grace if we don’t know what we are receiving grace for? The Law reveals to us our need for God’s grace. “You have been saved by grace because you believed. You did not save yourselves; it was a gift from God. You are not saved by the things you have done, so that no one can boast” (Eph 2:8-9).
The Invitation
It was at this point in the story where everything changed for me. August 23, 2004. When I wasn't even looking, I stumbled upon the best thing to ever happen to me. "I was found by those who did not seek me; I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me" (Rom 10:20). That was me. I didn’t hit rock bottom. My life wasn’t falling apart. I wasn’t even on some quest for truth. Almost by accident I found it. Or rather, I was found. And I couldn’t believe what I’d found. I never felt so dense as the moment I realized Christianity was about a relationship with God through Christ and letting Him have a say in my life. It’s a relationship, not a religion. A relationship I could have not because of anything I had done, but because of everything He had done for me.
All this time, I had thought Christianity was about trying to be a good, moral person. But I have nothing to brag about – it’s God’s goodness, not my own, that saved me. My righteous acts could never be enough to give me right standing with God; I will always fall short. And what I could not do for myself He did for me through the gift of a Savior – Christ. I fell in love that day. Not with an idea. Not with a religious system. But a Person. He changed me, from the inside out. I died that day and became a new person. I don’t live for myself anymore. I live for God.
Before I was lonely, insecure, and quiet girl, caught in an elusive pursuit of happiness - always close but just out of reach. I am an entirely different person today. Anyone who knows me well can tell you that God transformed me into a vibrant, social, confident girl who loves people. He healed me from the things that held me down and gave me a joy and happiness in life I never thought possible. Every day I fall more in love with Who He is. He’s my Best Friend, my Hope, my Purpose and Meaning, my Joy, my Everything because NOTHING else satisfies.
I’d love to tell you that becoming a Christian instantly propelled me into sainthood. That I never messed up anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m not a perfect person. In telling you all this, I am not trying to show off my righteousness. This isn’t a story about how I got my act together or “became a good person.” I didn’t enroll in some self-help program to become a better person under the guise of Christianity. I am not pointing to myself. I don’t want you to be like me, and you weren’t meant to be either.
Rather, in telling you all this, it is my hope to point you to the One who changed my life. And He’s better than we could ever imagine. He’s not angry and distant toward you because of your sin. Neither is he some feeble old man on a throne. He’s King of the Universe - majestic, powerful, and righteous. And He’s crazy about you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you, and not because of anything you’ve done.
He didn’t come for the people who have it all together. He came for the sinners – the liars and thieves, sluts, drug addicts, murderers, adulterers, the messed up and broken, the rejects, the losers, the lost and forgotten. You could never be worthy of His love – and that’s the point, He loves you anyway. Let that Love free you. He doesn’t just care about you when you go to church or read your Bible. He cares about every moment of your life because He made you and He wanted you on this earth. You matter to Him. If you didn’t, He would not have sent his Son to sacrifice His life on your behalf.
Count the Cost
A good salesman will sell you on all the benefits to get you to sign up without telling you about the costs. That is not what I’m trying to do. God can change your life. But please don’t misunderstand me: there is a cost. God won’t be able to change your life as long as you insist on holding the reigns. God isn’t after your religious deeds; He’s after you. And He doesn’t want just a little bit – He wants all of you. He will settle for nothing less. Christ challenges us, “Anyone who wants to follow me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade for your soul?” (Matt 16:24-26 MSG).
God is not some Almighty Santa Clause. If you think getting everything you want in this life is the key to true happiness, you will be sorely disappointed. If you choose to follow Christ, life will not become paradise on earth. God won’t make your troubles go away. Your problems won’t disappear. You will have trouble in this life. You will experience pain and suffering. But don’t give up. Christ is bigger than the sorrows of this life. He’s bigger than all your mistakes, your pain, and your troubles. He can handle all of it, if you’ll give it all to Him.
More than Worth It
What I can tell you is this: the cost is worth it. If you choose to follow Christ, you will know a joy unlike anything the pleasures of this world can offer you. That bleeding ache you wake with every morning will be healed. That restless searching for the next best thing will be over. That gaping hole in your heart will be filled. That voice of shame that whispers in your ear and makes you want to hide will lose its power over you. That loneliness will be gone. You will find rest and peace for your weary soul. I have never regretted my decision to follow Christ. Not Once.
I don’t miss my old life or regret not living for my own selfish pursuits and happiness. The benefits far outweigh the cost. God didn’t cheat me. Christ more than makes up for anything I’ve given up. All those things that the world considers pleasurable bring happiness for only that moment. God has given me life-long happiness. Christ once told the story, “God’s kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field. One day a man found the treasure. He hid it again and was so happy that he went and sold everything he owned and bought the field.” Why did he sell everything he had? Because what he got in return was worth far more. Christ is absolutely worthy. He is worthy of all of it.
